Morris is re-constructing

Morris used to be such a vulnerable, trusting person. Everything was taken at face value, not questioned. That led to much heartbreak on many occasions.
Despite that, all these years later, Morris still believes, still gets heartbroken. Still laughs and trusts... Is that a bad thing? Is it stupid"? Should Morris not trust, not believe because people lie and disappoint?

I say no, as long as one can accept the pain that comes with believing. I say dare to believe. Sometimes, it's okay to be trusting in the face of all the lies. Sometimes, maybe life's better lived being so naive. Isn't that better than hating? Better that I say, than jaded and cold. Just hope that that tired heart is big enough to hold a world of disappointment along with the joy that comes when people do what they say they will.

Here's to believing, Morris. Here's to hope... to not surrendering to anger or despair. Stay Morris. Stay hopeful. Stay true. Believe in the inherent goodness of humanity. Believe in yourself. No matter what others do, believe in your own good self.

Slante.

so so scary

I've come to the conclusion that I am one scary mother...too direct. Too open. Too talkative..Too seductive in a mature sort of way. So that's me...deal or close the door. Yet, I love it when you dare each time to re-open it. I will try to understand your fear and caution and confusion because I feel the same. Who knew i would be so old school and expect you to move first. I will be patient and honest and your friend first and formost...the rest? We'll see. I have to admit I am afraid of my feelings for you and bury them so how can I say anything?

But, I do not run from the friendship because I value it. Isn't that the best base for everything else?

To honest emotion and communication.

Slante, sir.

Up and down and up and down

So, lots of communication...then silence...

I will not go forward w/o you taking action...the truth is I am confused. I know you are confused too. Having recognized that, I opened the door and the choice is now yours. Walk thru the door or run. I can't play games anymore. Do you not see that I am as insecure as you are? I don't know how to honor my committment to create beauty in your garden if you are so afraid. I promise to keep it friendship only as long as we are doing your space together.

When it is done and you are content with the beauty there, the next move is yours. It is yours...dare or just say outloud that we are friends or we are more than that...I feel like I'm looking thru a cloudy mirror, distorted, where what we think we see reflected is only a distortion...

Dare to speak honestly and I will do the same.

To beauty and honesty...

Sadness, whatv did I do?

Something transpired that I cannot understand...one minute all was fine, talking laughing with friend, then in a moment, another drunk friend drools, slobbers and the new friend turns a cold shoulder to me...Is it disgust? Is it attraction un-done and confused by an idiot's actions? Is it a don't step on my guy time? Whatv the fuck shifted everything? From touch my shoulder and smile to pretnd In don't exist in an afternoon...all tied to D I think. hmmm

Something shifted, because of a fool's actions...should I have smacked him? Would that have made you feel better? It would not have made me feel better for poor drunk D who is a friend, tho that day a drunk and lonely one... I did not drool on him, did not ask to be drooled on...fuck it all... I didn't do a damned thing to cause our new relationship to shift awkwardly and I am MAD DAMN IT ...it all reminds me of my ex's blaming me, accusing me everytime some random guy, or even a good friend , would just talk to me ..according to E. I was always trying to sleep with or flirt with any man who looked at me ..he never could see that I was just being me...friendly me, that was my intent,nothing creepy or inappropriate... just being friends with...


So,n J. M. What did I do to upset you in that instant? I did nothing...I did not slap D. I did not yell. In knew he was drunk and idiotic...

Maybe this is the universe giving me a wake-up call; saying don't repeat old mistakes...don't take on the blame for something you did not do, like with the ex.

I was so hopeful that we could relate...now, I will just make you beauty in your yard and leave. I will fulfill a promise and give up trying to be friends or anything else.

In the end I will just give a toast to beauty. May it heal you. May it heal and teach me.
Slante

Dying to the old, resurrecting to the new

Today is the day I let go of the old pain and sadness. Today is the day I choose to live for me (and my daughters of course), but, consciously for me. I will believe in my inherent goodness and ethics, no matter what others who cannot see into my heart think.

Eduardo, you no longer holds the power to hurt me. Not with assessments, not with fear, not with infidelity, not with false sense of superiority...No man will ever again have the power to make me doubt my future goals. No more will faint-hearted friends make me feel cheap or untrue to my nature. I will honor my true friends, those who do not judge and think in small ways. I will value differences, but not judge anyone because of them...ever.

I will own my own mistakes, learn from them and move forward with all knowledge gained.

Today I will begin my love affair with my new life. I will begin by spooning with my garden, with art, with music, with true friends, with companionship based on ethics, humor, laughter, politics and words, beautiful, meaningful words...

A prayer to the universe to grant me wisdom and kindness and love and the ability to give that all back to my world and some lucky man sometime soon.

Slante

Painting for the Not faint of heart

Is tonight the night when I dare to be honest, to hope that he feels the same as I do?
I will fill my shop with darkness and light, with fabric and art and listen and be thankful.

I will let myself relax and find my funny self. I will help him relax and find his safety and humor.

Please Gods and Goddesses, let us have some tenderness, some touch, some faith in life and maybe, just maybe a tentative but valient love. If I were ever to have a lover, it would be someone kind and sensitive as him.

Let me be worthy, I pray.

Slante.

Mothers and daughters

So so so so melancholy to watch my mother fade...I try to balance that with my daughters glowing and blooming. I am somewhere in ythe middle. Myn past married life is faded and gone, my future single life will glow. I know it will. I will find the real true me and try to do good things with thst new me. I will reach and dare and love again.

That is good to believe. I wish the same for my girls. Dare. Be kind. Do good. Reach past fears to new vistas and eat them whole. Believe.
Slante

spooning life

Cousin Noah saidhe wants to spoon life
Damn, what a phrase! so old-fashioned and hipat the same time...My daughter and her friends all talk about spooning, yeah i get that.

But, how cool to want to spoon life itself...I say go for it! Spoon your life, listen to your favorite tunes in the summer sun, eat your favorite ice cream, float on the lake, spend time with those who love you, lay on your back and stare at the night sky...
I too will ltry to spoon life...starting with the Bee...every word, every silly contestant.

Every, every, every, every good thing!

An evening out with ms. r

Sweet and funny, innocent, and a hibbing hard-ass, all rolled into one. Fun night of dinner, talking, meeting new people,running into old favorite people and reminiscing abouther mom who died last year...so many great stories.
Sweet cherry red impala convertibleparked on street, cold and hot at the same time...remembering our first cars and laughing about how many speeding tickets she got the year she got her MG. Remebering racing my dad's brown caddie against the farm boys' muscle cars...Manager from the Ritz coming out and dancing Gene Kelly style down 13th to the Modern where we talked to the owner for an hour about bullshit, business, politics and kids...snuck a peak into the new, cool, i-ware, then down to the 331 for a night-cap where we ran into funny customers and talked neighborhood and she tried to rent one of them a room in her house cuz it was cheaper than condo, or a house and damn it she needs a renter...

Thanks for the giggles and the memories of our girls when they were young...

sometimes it's the little things in accumulation that matter the most...